Every 5 in the afternoon I would go out of the University gate after I finished attending classes and stare at the pedestrian lane. I would imagine myself getting hit by a bus, a car- anything. My mind was suffering, all it can ever think of was that my life is pointless- useless. I should die, I want to die at the young age of 19. Our house back then was hardly a home, I felt trapped, I had no one to talk to, my brother and sister were strangers to me- and I didn’t have a strong relationship with my mother. I barely communicated with my own family. It was a personal struggle daily and only my pet cat Mirmo and Ming made the days easy. When you are in college, you have very little resources, absolutely no idea that the world is filled with different dimensions. You feel as though the world is contained and that it will not change. I got myself into a relationship when I was 21, thinking that having a boyfriend could ease the pain- the depression pangs only to find that any support or feeling a romantic partner can give is limited. In fact, it made the struggle with depression harder- I could not see my boyfriends face clearly because every day was gloomy. I wasn’t ready to understand any kind of love, because I was shut inside the walls of my mind. I couldn’t breathe, I just hated everyone and don’t know who exactly why.
To ease the pain I would walk to and fro and convinced myself to walk long distances, walking somehow calmed my confused state of mind. Why was I constantly feeling empty, why didn’t I feel like life was worth living. Was a 21 fresh graduate doomed to always feel this way? I seemed to want to blame everyone for what I was feeling, Back then I didn’t feel that the world understood me at all- Depression creates a dark and really blank space in your mind and heart, you are just filled with anger- sorrow. It was a hard place to be in, it plagued me until I was 27 years.
I felt tremendously helpless and my days were filled with anxiety. I frequently cried at night, and it got worse after I took on my first job as a call center agent. The depression got worse because I had to wake up at dawn and sleep in the morning and barely had any time to walk or see the sunshine. I couldn’t do anything about it, nothing made me laugh. Nothing interests me, no music, no event, no food, no experience-
I felt confined and doomed and really cursed the day I was born. Depression disturbs your mind, your soul in every way and at my very young age I had no way of understanding it. All I know was that I couldn’t bear all the pain, emptiness, suffering. I wanted to wound myself. If I saw a train I imagine hurting myself, running towards the train- I would often imagine what I would like like if I would hang myself- and attempted to kill myself more than 4x in my lifetime. Thankfully, all of the attempts failed and my mind was cured. After the age of 27 I suddenly stopped hating the world- I suddenly wanted to live, I wanted to experience, feel. I started being Grateful. I remember asking God why was He unfair, why could Prophets hear him, why were the people in the Exodus able to feel his glory through the burning bush. What was so special with the people of Israel, why can’t I connect, why couldn’t I talk to God? Why was I created only to suffer tremendous anxiety- and lack of feelings- I felt like this manic depressive psychopath. I was either in a hypomania stage. I was either doing so much, overusing my energy or I was too tired to move. It was switching from one mode to the other- I often believed that I was going mad. During those times I had to inspect my own mind, I would often look in the mirror and ask if I was going crazy, who is this person staring at me in the mirror why couldn’t I relate to her, why was Life a chore, why couldn’t I feel the love, why was it filled with pain, sorrow.
I wanted to curse and blame everyone for what I feel. I hated my parents for separating, I hated that I could not deal with my own brother and sister, I hated that I could not understand my own friends. I hated that I could not understand my own boyfriend nor myself- my perception of life was really small- vague. I felt trapped, suffocated- I wanted to hold everyone responsible for my dilemma- I would exercise for hours at age 23 – I would look at myself in the mirror and hate what I see so I decided to job for 2 hours every day and then dance for 2 hours every day just to remove the pain, the burden of feeling. I would refuse to eat for many hours, and made myself so sick. I lost a lot of weight during that time, I went into an intense crash diet, my mind and body was failing me. I was disguising into someone addicted with becoming healthy and sexy when in fact I hated myself- I hated everything that I had become and had to punish my body. Maybe if I became so thin, so thin, so thin I wouldn’t feel this much hate with myself. The disturbances inside my mind destroyed any joy I could have during those days. Everything felt like a chore, everyone felt like an enemy. The state, the government, the school- my friends, my neighbors. I hated everyone including myself.
Then I went into this mania and started meeting different people. I mingled with artists, painters, dancers, musicians. People who were lost like me, I felt that somehow the crazy things they did equated to what I felt inside. The world was crazy, chaotic, without love, without guidance- the world rejected me so I went on and danced with unknown people ,strangers and for several years I thought I was doing something great, only to realize that every other person I would meet was also poison. I kept meeting myself over and over, I kept meeting mad people just like me because my mind remained Unhinged. I went into a crazy episode- a mania and I danced with these people on the streets, the nomads, the gypsies, the hippies- and felt temporary relief from the madness of my soul. However, because people weren’t the cure for Depression. The burden became greater, the more people I met the crazier it became. The more people I mingled with the harder the effect and impact of the energy on my body until the craziness was too much for me. I felt all these energies, beliefs, suffocating me.
DEPRESSION IS A PERSONAL MISSION:
Depression is a PERSONAL MISSION, this is why when you feel depressed no one would be able to reach your Soul. It is your Sole Purpose and Mission to Heal Your Own Mind and once you pass the Ultimate Test the World Suddenly becomes colorful, amazing, vibrant.
I know, we want Society to be Supportive. But Society is Sick- the medicine cannot be found in your own Family, Friends, Love Interest, Business Partners nor Strangers, if it were then a lot of people would not have ended their own life and turned to Suicide.
Even the most popular people, the most famous, the most loved- cannot escape Depression Pangs, this is why this is a Personal Task of the Soul that You Cannot Entrust to Anyone Else.
Think of Life as a Game, with many levels and you need to Surpass every level inside the game. A maze if you may, you will face insurmountable opponents at every turn and it would be up to you to find the Resources to Survive.
I hate to break it to you, but any Relationship you will make, was intended to bring you down. No amount of Support System will Heal your brain because every person in this Game also has the Mission to get out of the Maze Alive- they won’t be able to Help You. For they are also inside the Game and Helpless Just like You. It is You and You Alone who will choose to live. Even God gave Humans Free WILL. Which means you will Either Pick up the Tools and Weapons to Survive, You will Choose Daily to Exist Another Day without Blaming Anyone. Without making somebody Else Responsible for what you feel.
This is the hardest of it all. I have been Plagued by Suicide and Depression in my 20’s- I thought at first other people should be responsible for my Happiness. But found that nothing lasts forever. If I relied on my family I would be even more depressed. If I relied with friends I will lose the battle. If I relied with people outside my circle I would only find even more Despair. So I looked up to the Spiritual and Reclaimed Power over mY mind and my Life. To the Higher Planes and Dimension of the Mind Should you look- to the Divine. Look Up- the Answer is there and has always been. Feel the Answer Within the Depths of Your Soul- and YOu will find that all the Answers Has Always been Available to You- REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE!
So How was I cured from Depression?
DO NOT RELY ON OTHER PEOPLE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS
There are many factors that led me to curing the mind. But first I had to realize that No One, absolutely No one was responsible for my Pain. Pain is a human condition and that I should not blame others- blaming others makes it worse. First, I had to realize that NO ONE can assist, not my mother, not my brother, not my sister, not my friends, not my lover, no stranger– No HUMAN BEING can help me to fight off depression. For any interaction and reliance that I make, any connection I make will break itself- so If I put my happiness on another person I was setting myself up for Failure. If I plan a life aligned with the expectations of others, I will be digging my own grave. The CURE IS NOT WITH OTHER PEOPLE. It can only be found in MYSELF.
This is the hardest thing to realize because humans are social beings – but once you rely on others for your happiness you are setting yourself up for frustration. Do not make other people the sole meaning and purpose of your life and do not blame them as well for the things that you cannot experience or do not feel. Whatever is happening inside your MIND is your PERSONAL MISSION to reflect upon. You, therefore need to take the time to Listen, really listen to what it is saying and learn to dissect which is true and which is false. If all of your life plans is based on the path of another person, once something changes in the plan you lose grounding. You lose half of the battle. Therefore it is very dangerous to anchor your plans with another person and think that they can pull you out of your misery. It doesn’t mean to say that you shouldn’t build relationships. It just means you cannot rely on another person to make your happy. It is your SOLE DUTY to find what makes you happy and to build a healthy set of habits towards becoming a happy person. You will in fact choose every day to select Good Thoughts.
TAKE THE TIME TO LEARN WHO YOU REALLY ARE
I was once a pushover, I tend to get carried away with the energy and emotion as well as plans of other people. I tend to listen to other people’s dreams and had no visions of my own. I HAD NO DREAMS nor PLANS for my own self. Which means that I had no clear direction- because I was dealing and focusing on my unstable emotions I could not plan and did not have the luxury to reflect and assess the person that I am. Who was I? Was I not important? What are my thoughts? After I stopped blaming others for my Depression, my Misery. When I had no one to blame I suddenly had the time to assess my own mind. It was an internal review, it was me doing a self-check up. I realized that my soul is different from my mind. That I had another conscious mind- the subconscious mind working and it had nothing to do with reality, or what I perceive was reality- Once you stop feeling sorry for yourself, once you stop thinking and believing that it is the duty of other people to make you Happy, and once you Understand that NO ONE CAN HEAL YOU EXCEPT YOURSELF- your mind starts to heal. I began to inspect every thought in my mind. After my energy is no longer wasted on casting doubts and fears to other people. When I stopped blaming my parents, my family for my pain- when I started realizing that they could not cure me even if they LOVED ME. It sparked a light inside my Soul. It was revolutionary to understand that no one, absolutely no one can reach my mind except myself and therefore it was my sole duty to release myself from the Bondage that I made. After all, even God gave us FREE WILL. I had FREE WILL. It was just a matter of taking hold of my mind- realizing that I have the capacity to change what I perceive. Like what the Law of Attraction states, humans have the ability to change the movie inside their head. I could in fact change the sh*tty movie inside my mind. The horror, the drama, the gore that kept on playing. The terrifying clowns, my fears, my dreadful dreams could be stopped. God gave us the ability to reflect, to use logic, to dream- we can in fact reprogram our brain Circuit by putting in new thoughts. I felt like a Programmer- I realized I could input any film, any thought I want and whatever I programmed into this mind will come into reality, because my subconscious mind hears it– truly God has given MAN power over his mind, a WEAPON. We have a WEAPON against the evil thoughts surrounding the AIR. We could RE-PROGRAM OUR BRAIN and input much more positive commands. This was a revolutionary thought to me. So whatever doomed and helplessness I felt removed itself. Whatever my ENVIRONMENT AND STORY was, is not forever, it could be changed at WILL and with INFINITE GUIDANCE by the Lord Jesus Christ.
I SHOULD LOVE MYSELF, this was new to me, when I was 19, loving myself, or considering myself as something precious, important was unusual for me. They always teach us to put others above the self. So we keep on sacrificing. We sacrifice our time, resources, skills and emotions for other people in the hopes that they will love us back. But I soon learned that the more I sacrificed myself, the more I degrade myself, the more I give my power and time to other people the more I lose respect. The less my worth becomes- people do not want someone who is always there for them, people do not value the people who sacrifice their own life for others because over time a person who is not kind and who does not love his or her own mind and body declines, regresses, loses its beauty. Remember the story of the GIVING Tree who gave its branches, its leaves, its roots and fruits to the human child- it ended up dying. Giving is in fact something that you must first do for yourself, because if you forget yourself– you have in fact nothing to shares but resentment. Resentment is poison and causes Depression to worsen. I cured my depression by learning that I am important too. My time, my soul, my words- that I was beautifully and magnificently made by the Creator, that I value, I matter- I am Special- But that my worth is not measured by Others, or the people around me, or the riches I have, or the work I had, my value is what I say and see in the mirror. My value is dependent on how I treat MYSELF. Had I been kind to myself all these years? Or have I stretched my energy and resources to its utmost limit until I couldn’t breathe any longer. My goal is not to PLEASE EVERYONE. It is impossible and unnecessary. I suddenly had this wonderful idea- I began to look in the mirror and started to see who I am. A Wonderful Creation by God- walking here on Earth, Created in the image of God- Why would I harm myself, my body, this wonderful creature looking back at me. I simply began feeling Good, Feeling Honored, Feeling Worthy, I suddenly felt and saw my Worth in my Own Eyes. A lot of people fail to see this, and forget that the first thing they need to see and affirm is their own body and mind. No one teaches you to look at Yourself, to celebrate yourself, that you too are Wonderfully Created by the Most Powerful Creator.
Be absolutely selfish. Yes, that’s what I say — be absolutely selfish if someday you want to help others. If someday you want to be really altruistic, be selfish.
First change your being. First create a light within your heart, become luminous. Then you can help others. And you will be able to help without worrying. -OSHO
You are told to love your neighbour – but you have never loved yourself. And a person who has not loved himself, how can he love the neighbour? From where can he get love? First you have to have it. You are loving the neighbour – you who knows nothing of love because you have never loved yourself. The neighbour is loving you – he has never loved himself. Such insanity is happening in the world: people who know nothing of love are loving each other.
It is like beggars begging from each other, each thinking the other is the emperor. Both are thinking in the same way: the other is the emperor. Both are beggars. Sooner or later the reality manifests itself; then there is misery, suffering. Then you think you have been cheated, this beggar has been trying to prove himself an emperor. Now this is absolutely absurd – it is you who were thinking him an emperor. And the same is the situation from the other side: the other person thinks you have been cheating him, pretending to be an emperor and you are just a beggar. When both beggars find that they are beggars, what else can they do other than be angry, enraged, violent to each other, hating each other as deeply as possible? And the love …? It was nothing; they don’t know what love is.
To know anything, you have to begin with yourself – OSHO
You have been told to sacrifice yourself for some idiotic ideal. I want you just to be simply selfish. And you will be surprised that if you are selfish you discover so many treasures within yourself that soon you start sharing them – because finding a treasure is a lesser joy than sharing it. And the treasures that are within you don’t follow the ordinary economics and its laws. They are just the very opposite, diametrically opposite to the ordinary economic structure.
In the ordinary economics if you give something, you will have less. If you go on giving, soon you will be a beggar. In the ordinary economic world you have to snatch as much from everybody as possible then you have more and more and more. The treasures I am talking about to you, follow a different law: if you cling to them they shrink, if you cling too much you can even kill them. If you want to destroy them, then close all the windows and doors, become a grave so nothing can escape outside you – but you will be a dead man, with all your treasures also dead with you; your truth, your freedom, your love, your joy. Everything will be dead with you – securely dead, well-insured.
But if you want to grow your treasures, share them, share to all and sundry – don’t bother whether this is a friend or a foe. When you are sharing, the question is of sharing, it is not with whom. Whomsoever it may concern, you simply give. Don’t be concerned about the address, you simply go on sending love letters. Somebody will receive them somewhere.
And the more you go on sharing, the more goes on entering you from unknown sources. A man is just like a well.
“Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, but a good word makes it glad” (NKJV).
I Healed My Depression by Removing Myself From Bad Company
Another realization that came to me, was that I was depressed because I was hanging out with eternally depressed souls as well. I couldn’t progress because the friends and environment I chose was also self-defeating. I walked with people who saw themselves as always oppressed and worse walked with people who smoked cigarettes, who do drugs, who do ungodly works- The environment I was in was sinful, the place was filled with adulterous people and a lot of wicked things were considered normal. The environment I was in was toxic. How could I thrive, when the people around me continued to create sin in the eyes of God. The reason why my soul tremendously suffered was because I was in the wrong environment. The people I walked with are lazy, did not want to learn new skills. Had no DREAMS to begin with. My time was spent drinking alcohol instead of reading books. I had a false idea of fame and lived with no shame. I also practiced a lot of immoral things like premarital sex and different partners causing even more strife in my soul. Only when I realized how dangerous the company of people are, how sinful and how toxic the influence was on me did Depression Depart. When the suffering was too much, when everything I did failed to prosper no matter how industrious I was- I called the name of JESUS CHRIST and REPENTED. I saw my sin and felt ashamed of it- my soul was in perpetual agreement with evil in the past that is why I was so depressed. But When I realized that I was sinful and I needed the Help and assistance of God- things became CRYSTAL CLEAR. I had been a disobedient child, and I was just looking for my real home, and real Father all along. That is why there was a void, a big void that no one was able to fill. I felt separate from paradise, my depression ruled my thoughts because I had no Jesus Christ in my Heart- my burden was so deep until I cast it all and surrendered. I looked at all my sins and began to feel ashamed. I suddenly wanted to be clean and free of bad company. I left my former life, former friends and built a new me. Away from Sinful acts and vices.
“Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light”. Matthew 11:28-30
God wanted to make known among the Gentiles the glorious wealth of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. Colossians 1:27
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and most important command. The second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets depend on these two commands.” Matthew 22:36-40
I first had to find MYSELF, once I was able to identify myself amidst the chaos of the world. I began to ask about who Created me, it wasn’t possible before when I was too focused on the World itself. This means, my family issues, my peers, my neighbors, the institution around me. I was hopeless trying to find answers in the wrong places- the lower places- the lowest frequencies- The world couldn’t and wouldn’t provide you with an answer for Depression because it is vile. Evil, corrupted- it is not perfect. The moment we feel detached is because we remember being cut of from the HIgher Plane- our REAL HOME. This is just a test run, this dimension is a test run, a simulation if you may and our Real Life is Yet to Begin- so do not get distracted by the Brain and instead look for the CODE- that one IMPORTANT CODE that will remove all shame, all fears, all confusion which is in The LORD JESUS CHRIST ONLY.
These days I am preoccupied by the things Above, and no longer worry about what will happen below. This is far too complex to talk about as it is not my task to convert nor change you into anything. I am simply one of the testaments of the healing of Jesus Christ- my once dark mind who always wanted to jump in the nearest train that I see is cured 1,000%. Sure I have gloomy days, but the tremendous feeling of lack has removed itself and I now begin my days in dail prayer and my mind is surprisingly clear. It is always up to you, to seek Your Creator no matter what country you are in. As no one , absolutely No one can convince you to drop that worry, the anxiousness if you are not prepared to be free from it. First you have to stop LOVING THE PAIN- once You begin to seek PEACE, CALM and RELAXED THOUGHTS the WAY will create a path so it could MANIFEST In Your Life.