In the ideal world, everyone should be celebrating Mother’s Day, after all, that could be stronger than a mothers love for her children. But, not all story would be the same, not everyone can gladly call their mother to say thank you- not everyone has a smile on their face and many like me would just want this day to pass. Because the wounds are already closing- and life is still great despite not being able to participate on this day. But for one entire day, the world has to remind you, of the relationship that you did not have, and the relationship you no longer hope for.
For some who had a troubled childhood, with traumatic experiences from their own parents- May it be a Dad or a Mom, days like this seem like one big sadistic joke. But at the age of 30, I have grown stronger- now without hate, now without sorrow. Some like me come out of this as better individuals, there is now a new study correlating deep childhood trauma to intense creativity. Some of the best artists in the world, who have produced epic plays, and songs or immense financial success had at one point- unimaginable pain from their own childhood that caused me to be better.
I don’t think I have had the worst childhood experience, there are some children who were raped by their own father or sold by their own mother to prostitution. But this is not a comparison game and I don’t like to do that, one way or another we deal with our pain.
My mother was distant, was uncaring and lacked warmth as a mother. One would say that I had a troublesome mother, who got into series of debts due to gambling and financial scams- and at one point in her life, became addicted to medication, alcohol, and smoking. We faced a tough childhood, and if it were not for my grandparents I don’t think I would have come out of it- safe and strong and still with hope for life. I grew up seeing my mother dating several guys at a time, it was either she was an abused girlfriend of someone new uncle that I did not know.
Growing up – I had to learn the fact that she would often get into financial scams, fooling and duping innocent people of their money- not to mention taking the husband of another- a series of adulteries that would later on plague me as I got older. It was not a peaceful life, we were in constant debt due to these vices, and I often had to walk home from school, because I did not have enough money to take a jeepney home.
My own mother lied to me and told me I had another father, just so he can scam an ex-boyfriend. She was willing to deceive her own child- for money. This led me to feel terrible about myself and led me to search for love in other people, strangers- just so I can make sense of the world.
I pondered on suicide several times when I was growing up. Gladly, no suicide attempts succeeded. I was ashamed, to have her as my parent. so I tried so hard to give back to the community, so somehow I can atone for her sins. Maybe if I planted more trees, offered my time for volunteer work I could lessen the wrongs. I would often meet new friends of hers whom she scammed of huge amounts of money including my own family- I had to live in shame for a very long time- and had to reinvent my self just so I could live a peaceful life. She continues to live this life, even after she has gone out of the country- and continues to live as though we don’t exist. And while she was a faithful daughter to her parents- she was a terrible person when it came to her children and strangers she fooled just so she can have an extravagant life.
She was in most sense materialistic and only loved material things- and to this day no hope or glimmer of change. The scams continue as she tries to ask for money from married men- still, without dignity even if she is already married.
But I have long dropped the idea of Changing her. The only thing I can be responsible for is myself- and I will love myself, my life and will continue improving.
For how can you change someone who does not consider her life as a mistake. There are lots of stories like us, mine is not something isolated. I am just one of the many individuals who had to live and continue their lives. Loving myself was a battle, and fixing my wounds was a battle. It was only through the Lord’s guidance that I am able to live free of this stigma. Free of the wounds that have troubled me and plagued me to no end. There are some of us who can only live a great life – once they are out of the clutches of their manipulators, their own mothers.
I have wished for many times, that repentance will come to her- but my life would be wasted waiting. The only thing that I can improve on was my own life. And perhaps even if Mother’s Day was a big insult, I could still thank her for giving life to be- a portal, so I can exist in the world.
But for my own good and safety I have to live free of my own mother’s clutches and tell my story- for I am still very much a success story despite the pain and I am living a triumphant life- an evidence that a terrible childhood is not a hindrance to improving oneself._I was able to rebuild and create my own identity away from the pain- I was able to succeed in establishing a self that is whole and a life that is still very much filled with love.
You can choose to be better, you can choose to opt out of suicide- you can have a great life and establish yourself and healing process through a number of ways- may my own story and life be an inspiration to others who also have a troubled relationship with their mother or at least remind the lucky ones – to appreciate their Mother who loves them on Mother’s Day.